Friday, April 17, 2020

Crayon lipstick, Uber, and Sustainable Cat Herding

Note, I wrote this about three years ago to talk about my breakfown and eventual resignation from my job at a library. I’ve edited it because, even at that time - this was probably in 2016 maybe? - I was still not taking ownership of my own crash and burn at this position. I’m finally, finally coming out of this hopelessness I’ve felt for years after quitting - hopelessness in not believing I could learn from this and do better next time; in my mind, there was no ‘next time’ for me because I had lost the courage to persevere. I’m still struggling but, for some reason, since the Covid-19 quarantine went into effect I’ve been more optimistic about my future prospects:

Here in my little eco-bubble ("Alachua County: a blue dot in a big, red sea), things are pretty nice (trying not to use "chill"), however; three years since my nervous breakdown I am feeling stronger and (hopefully) wiser, attaining a deeper understanding of how things went all to hell.

I own my part in the demise of my library career, and as for how I was treated by people I had worked with for 10 years, I forgive all of them.  There is no reason to hold onto anger or the notion of revenge, no matter how insignificant. It's the nature of the beast in a high-stress, high-profile position (yes, believe it or not, I had discovered the most stressful library job [which, to many in and out of the profession, will recognize that this is a contradiction in terms]). I am reminded of the phrase, "Forgive but never forget," and there's evidence that not forgiving is okay (I know because someone on the Internet said it).

I'm moving a lot more slowly these days - some of this is from finally realizing how crazy my life was at the library, and taking time now for home and hearth.  I'm glad to be home more right now; I'm 51 years old and, frankly, I'm kind of semi-retired at this point. I work part-time at a survey center (more and more I realize how many times surveys have intersected with my life, and so maybe there's something to that). Also, I messed up my right leg and am hobbling around in a boot.

Having crawled out of the trainwreck that was my life and career, I'm back to square one in a sense. I am leaning more towards trying to get back into school and finishing my masters degree in library science. I really, really, miss working in a library and understand that even while librarianship is my path, my fervor is tempered by the new awareness of my ability to juggle many tasks does not mean I should juggle at all.  Physical evidence is knowing that slowing down has improved my health.

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